Who Am I?

In January 2020, during my first year at Stanford University, I took an elective class called “Heartfulness, Mindfulness, Compassion, and Responsibility.” The homework before the first class was to answer the following question: “Who are you?”

Here’s what I wrote then:

“I am a brother to one, a son to two, a cousin to ten, a friend to many, and a student of the world. I am from hectic yet melancholy Central Jersey suburbs with neighborhood movie days, block parties, and sports activities, but I am also from the tropical Western Ghats in southwest India amidst hills, forests, and villages. I am a thinker, discoverer, and explorer. I am not artistically talented but I love to doodle; I am not musically talented but I love to hum and sing. I am at times silent and radiate peace, like a gentle fawn, yet at other times I am as loud and full of chaos, like fireworks in the sky. I am a social and political subject of this world. I am desperately searching for solutions and explanations for all the suffering that surrounds and overwhelms me. I am happy but I am also a little sad. I am an eager learner and an enthusiastic teacher. I am stumbling because of the burdens on my back, the pain in my heart, and the exhaustion in my muscles, which threaten to make me fall at any moment. I am who I am because of those who have inspired me - my family, my friends, my teachers, and everyone else, across time, space, species, and existence. I am stubborn and I am unsatisfied. I am afraid but I am brave. I am imperfect but I am improving. I am Poojit Hegde.”

From my 2020 response to where I am now, I think there are many continuities in my consciousness, but there have also been certain ruptures. One thing I said then was that “I am not artistically talented” and “I am not musically talented”. I don’t think I would say that about myself now - I will call myself an aspiring artist and musician, and through continuously acting upon my aspirations by making art and music, I too am an artist and musician already. In fact, even when I did initially write that, I wasn’t a stranger to art and music. I think the reason I explicitly identified myself as someone who wasn’t good at art or music was to avoid setting expectations of being a “great musician” or a “great artist”. That reflected my own insecurity in my relative lack of experience in certain musical and artistic endeavors. I think this fear of being perceived as talented largely emerges from the kind of society we live in - which is so unnecessarily competitive, and always looking to pit people against one another and measure people’s “talents” relatively. I won’t say I have overcome this fear completely, but I am trying to overcome this sense of self-doubt. This also means to not doubt the creative capabilites of those around me either. I don’t want to evaluate those around me based on narrow visions of talent or success.

Okay, I am an artist and a musician of sorts - what else? I also would like to call myself an aspiring scientist and engineer. My love for science is driven by a commitment to deepen our collective understanding of how the universe works. For me, science is more than theoretical analysis—it’s a dialectic between theory and practice, grounded in our material reality. Engineering, in turn, is the practical application of that scientific inquiry: engineers not only seek to understand the world but actively intervene in it, shaping both experiments and social production. Participating in human and material production is fundamentally human, and so to be an engineer is to embrace our humanity. Even when I focus intensely on a specific area of research, I approach each problem with an engineer’s mindset, continually linking my work back to its social implications and to what it means to be human.

Another difference from my response in 2020 I would identify now is that I am not stumbling so much anymore! I have made it through the abyss and out, and I am not so fearful. The prospect of falling does not feel so overwhelming, and I am moving with greater confidence in myself and sharper clarity regarding the world around me. In essence, I feel far more curious than afraid. I also would evaluate myself as more balanced. While my heart still feels continuously bright and alive, it is not always on fire. And while my spirit still soars through the sky, the ground underneath my palms and feet feels comfortable as well. I am still searching for solutions and explanations - I have found some, but other questions continue to open up, as I keep experiencing more dynamics of this society and universe. It is a joy of life to continuously create, discover, and explore anew, and I find this mindset to bring me so much intrinsic motivation in my various scientific, artistic, engineering pursuits.

The last line is the one I am now trying to hold onto most closely - “I am imperfect but I am improving”. Just like societal development, personal growth rarely follows a monotonically increasing trajectory. Through intentionally developing my life practices and thoroughly reflecting on how my life practices are going, I hope to continue learning and growing into the future, no matter what is in front me.

With all this said, here is a revised answer to that question, in a similar format:

Five years later, while honoring the words I wrote then, let me make a few revisions:

“I am a brother to one, a son to two, a cousin to ten, a friend to many, and a student of the world. I am from a cozy yet spirited Central Jersey suburb brimming with life—where neighborhood block parties erupted spontaneously, children turned every street into their personal football field, and uncles and aunties engaged in political battles that rivaled any town hall meeting. I am also from southwest India – with connections to the depths of life in the mountainous Western Ghats along with ties to cities in the interior buzzing with human activity. Now, I am creating a new home for myself in the bustling Bay Area, immersing myself in the layers of lore and stories that this place holds. I am an aspiring artist who loves to sketch and doodle; I am an aspiring musician who loves to hum and sing. I am a scientist who seeks to understand the world, and I am an engineer who seeks to contribute to human production. I am at times silent and radiate peace, like a gentle fawn, yet at other times I am as loud and full of chaos, like fireworks in the sky. I am a social and political subject of this world. I am desperately searching for solutions and explanations for all the suffering that surrounds me. I am happy but I am also a little sad. I am an eager learner and an enthusiastic teacher. I stumble sometimes but my fear of falling is nothing compared to my confidence in getting back up. I am who I am because of those who have inspired me - my family, my friends, my teachers, and everyone else, across time, space, species, and existence. I am stubborn and I am unsatisfied. I am afraid but I am brave. I am imperfect but I am improving. I am Poojit Hegde.”